If I can make a point- please lt me.
Women be strong.
Women, you were the first ones to see Jesus out of the tomb
Alive alive, He showed Himself to you
Your faith made you whole, you made the initiative and clung onto, touched Jesus' robe
Hold on, Hold on

Even when the world tells you= you are less than a man
Even when the church, deceived by Satan, discourages you

Even when your own kind tells you to be a robot, to be less than your husbands
i tell you women- be strong
Be strong in Christ, obey Him alone, not the words of men or women
God has given each individual unique gifts, personalities, and talents
They are not excluded from the giving of gifts
They have the same spiritual gifts that are to  be used exponentially in the church, outside the church

Women, in your tears, be strong
I can only attest to the tears and crap I have been through
They look on me with hatred, they look on with envy
They look at me and say "how can it be, you are an exception"
The norma thing, they say, is for a woman to follow.

It says that both women and men shall prophecy at the end times, God has granted me authority to speak, to worship, to lead people, pastor them into God's presence
More than a label, title, or church title, I am in the world, beckoning to all sinners- COME DRINK drink of the cup of the salvation that our LORD has graciously given

If you have qualms with that, please take it to the Lord
Because by definition, you are discounting the work of God in a whole person's life,
IN fact, by you speaking derogatorily towards what God can and can NOt do through me
you are discounting the very nature of who God is and HOW He works

Oh women be strong, be strong, what is be strong? I say be strong in whatever God has called you or willed you to be or do. Not in our own strivings, but for and through Jesus Christ alone. And so if ANYONE discounts or discourages you in that- heresy.  I SAY HERESY.  I say Satan has deceived the church. OH what potential I see in both women and men alike, young and old alike. OH what potential we have hidden, oh what gifts God has given but have become frozen in time.

OH what tragedy that some men and women think that women shall be silent. OH what tragedy that they have not researched and fully understood the humility of serving one another in a marriage relationship. OH I PRAY FERVENTLY against the lies Satan has sown in hearts. OH what tragedy that women are not allowed to speak truth, to be missionaries, to be an active servant of Jesus Christ because of the preponderances and prejudices of humankind. Oh WE might as well just go back to the olden times, where women were like slaves, even today my HEART breaks for those that are sold to captivity, forced to wear veils, oh because they are mere objects of temptation- oh my heart BREAKS, MY HEART breaks and regret for those women, oh the things and people they can be for God's kingdom and glory-

but oh the lies of satan. this wrings my heart and makes me sob....

And oh God, all I ever wanted to do was follow you wholeheartedly, with my whole life, with my whole soul. Is there anyone that understands that? Or will they keep saying "women cannot..." SHUT THE HELL UP. DO YOU NOT SEE GOD? DO YOU NOT SEE HIS BEAUTY? DO YOU NOT SEE HIM WORKING WORKING THROUGH ME? THROUGH all the AWESOME AMAZING WOMEN I KNOW?

Through the women that have conquered mountains with Christ alone, through tears they've battled death, troubles, assaults, suppressions, they're heart is LIT ON FIRE for JESUS. I can see them go to the ends of the earth for Jesus, nothing can stop them. They are dead women walking.  I see a generation of women...wow. falling on their faces and seeing God. They rise with Spirit, they are true soldiers of compassion and love. I love my girl friends to DEATH. I can truly say, I can lay my life down for you.

DO not ever be discouraged from what people say. You woman, you woman, are an amazing and precious daughter of Christ. YOU speak truth to move mountains, your heart breaks for the things that break God's. You. You are who God's made you to be.

Follow God's heart. God's heart alone. Amen

Hm tonight is the 3rd night of the SEND ME workshop. The speaker talked bluntly about the truth of missions, esp. missionaries.  I don't know, but everything he talked about...dude, was pretty eye- opening.  Consider a field director cross dressing in the middle of the night, or the head of agencies embezzling money.  These are just some of the realities of human flaws and well....shortfalls. To me, well, to me...I thought to myself- gosh I remember those times of tension with team members and leaders, I remember coming back and thinking to myself "nah God, I do not thrive under those conditions, maybe I'm not really called to do that".  Of course, that thought was temporary and was gone in a day.  Yet, what made me think that... was the fiery conflicts and tensions and abrasions that had resulted from climactic personality clashes with fellow children of God.  Unfortunately, since we are still human, we are still...so very sinful in nature.

I got home and read all the articles given to me.  One about debt keeping people from going overseas, others about mission agencies, and such and such. Several things came to mind:

1. I don't want to be under a normal traditional agency
2. I want to be doing what i am doing now- in the fashion industry
3. I WISH i could work with the friends i now have...but

ALL this. God will only grant according to His will..so could this be called "wishful thinking"?  I don't know. Another article was labeled "overchoice" or "fatigue options"...how Urbana could actually be too overwhelming since there are too many agencies and selections.

4. I want to create my own agency
5. I want to be a business woman so no one bosses me around...I'll just have a church..

BUT all this said. I went to study at Fuller's library today...pretty nice place. My friend was freaken like "look i just saw my future husband". LOL. SO FUNNY. It's weird writing when I havent had time to write for a long time.  I've been on my feet ALL DAY today. Ever since morning, 7:49 I was up running, then reading bible, then eating breakfast, then drawing my sketches. By 11:15, after an hour of driving, I was at my freelance place presenting sketches, by 1 pm i was munching on my Carl's jr. driving to pasadena, by 3 pm i was with friend studying at the library, by 5 pm we got hungry- ate, by 7 pm i was at lake ave with fellow future missionaries, by 10 pm i was driving home.  Yet here I am not exactly tired, just thrilled and excited for whats' ahead. AND maybe honestly...REALLY SCARED out of my mind. Hopefully, God you will give me some peace.

I realize what I deal with here, interpersonal relationship and conflicts, I will have to deal with them overseas.  SO if i cant confront conflicts here, I will not be able there EITHER. OR if I hate indecisiveness I will encounter that with people overseas even more....so what the hell am I supposed to do.  Even though I feel like I've mature quite a bit, have I really matured in the way I handle or love people? Like, am I patient with them? Do I gossip about others? Am I forgiving? Do I think I'm right all the time?  Am I open to learning their perspectives? I was thinking, of all people why did God choose such a selfish, proud, even...at times...rude lady to be a freaken LEADER? seriously of all people. but now i know i guess. i still don't understand how God picks people, to give them more faith? If people know to change and obey God...why don't they do it? Do we ourselves really change our own destiny?  Because seriously, I don't know how I can just be SO SURE of who God is and His plan for Himself, and for me.  I don't know.  I don't know how I just know.  I have never really reached ever reached a point in my life where I questioned God.  It seems ridiculous to me to question God- HE is everywhere. I see him so evidently displayed like a HUGE ASS banner.

Yes. SO I don't even know how to go about it. I have two more days of school.  I feel like I went through an epic adventure this year.  Especially with the freelance job that God gave me....blessing BIG TIME- and so unexpected. Like freaken im designing halloween costumes. how freaken fun is that? Even just typing this seems surreal. My life definitely looked different ....2 months ago. I'm leading worship now...and simply given more responsibilities in life. However my room looks like a mess because of my art materials. even just being able to pray with my friends...whenever! Whatever happens, we pray- that in itself is amazing, since she is at the same spiritual level...hm talk about organic church. even my writing...well I'm still working on it, haven't blogged for a long time.  I feel like my prose is...don't know.  I can't formulate and create my sentences and words too well. Maybe everything has been stuck in my head...sigh. Love Love Love.