Hm tonight is the 3rd night of the SEND ME workshop. The speaker talked bluntly about the truth of missions, esp. missionaries. I don't know, but everything he talked about...dude, was pretty eye- opening. Consider a field director cross dressing in the middle of the night, or the head of agencies embezzling money. These are just some of the realities of human flaws and well....shortfalls. To me, well, to me...I thought to myself- gosh I remember those times of tension with team members and leaders, I remember coming back and thinking to myself "nah God, I do not thrive under those conditions, maybe I'm not really called to do that". Of course, that thought was temporary and was gone in a day. Yet, what made me think that... was the fiery conflicts and tensions and abrasions that had resulted from climactic personality clashes with fellow children of God. Unfortunately, since we are still human, we are still...so very sinful in nature.
I got home and read all the articles given to me. One about debt keeping people from going overseas, others about mission agencies, and such and such. Several things came to mind:
1. I don't want to be under a normal traditional agency
2. I want to be doing what i am doing now- in the fashion industry
3. I WISH i could work with the friends i now have...but
ALL this. God will only grant according to His will..so could this be called "wishful thinking"? I don't know. Another article was labeled "overchoice" or "fatigue options"...how Urbana could actually be too overwhelming since there are too many agencies and selections.
4. I want to create my own agency
5. I want to be a business woman so no one bosses me around...I'll just have a church..
BUT all this said. I went to study at Fuller's library today...pretty nice place. My friend was freaken like "look i just saw my future husband". LOL. SO FUNNY. It's weird writing when I havent had time to write for a long time. I've been on my feet ALL DAY today. Ever since morning, 7:49 I was up running, then reading bible, then eating breakfast, then drawing my sketches. By 11:15, after an hour of driving, I was at my freelance place presenting sketches, by 1 pm i was munching on my Carl's jr. driving to pasadena, by 3 pm i was with friend studying at the library, by 5 pm we got hungry- ate, by 7 pm i was at lake ave with fellow future missionaries, by 10 pm i was driving home. Yet here I am not exactly tired, just thrilled and excited for whats' ahead. AND maybe honestly...REALLY SCARED out of my mind. Hopefully, God you will give me some peace.
I realize what I deal with here, interpersonal relationship and conflicts, I will have to deal with them overseas. SO if i cant confront conflicts here, I will not be able there EITHER. OR if I hate indecisiveness I will encounter that with people overseas even more....so what the hell am I supposed to do. Even though I feel like I've mature quite a bit, have I really matured in the way I handle or love people? Like, am I patient with them? Do I gossip about others? Am I forgiving? Do I think I'm right all the time? Am I open to learning their perspectives? I was thinking, of all people why did God choose such a selfish, proud, even...at times...rude lady to be a freaken LEADER? seriously of all people. but now i know i guess. i still don't understand how God picks people, to give them more faith? If people know to change and obey God...why don't they do it? Do we ourselves really change our own destiny? Because seriously, I don't know how I can just be SO SURE of who God is and His plan for Himself, and for me. I don't know. I don't know how I just know. I have never really reached ever reached a point in my life where I questioned God. It seems ridiculous to me to question God- HE is everywhere. I see him so evidently displayed like a HUGE ASS banner.
Yes. SO I don't even know how to go about it. I have two more days of school. I feel like I went through an epic adventure this year. Especially with the freelance job that God gave me....blessing BIG TIME- and so unexpected. Like freaken im designing halloween costumes. how freaken fun is that? Even just typing this seems surreal. My life definitely looked different ....2 months ago. I'm leading worship now...and simply given more responsibilities in life. However my room looks like a mess because of my art materials. even just being able to pray with my friends...whenever! Whatever happens, we pray- that in itself is amazing, since she is at the same spiritual level...hm talk about organic church. even my writing...well I'm still working on it, haven't blogged for a long time. I feel like my prose is...don't know. I can't formulate and create my sentences and words too well. Maybe everything has been stuck in my head...sigh. Love Love Love.
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