Who are you God? To wake me up in the middle of the night? To make me think "who are you God?" My heart thirsts for you, sometimes I think You are mad at me. I don't know why those thoughts come, but they come. Honestly, they invade my mind. I feel waves of storms in my heart, I desire peace. Knowing you are there, knowing your physical embrace, knowing, touching, and seeing your physical face. Those things I desire.
These are my thoughts: I don't know, I don't know. I don't know why my heart cannot be satisfied with enough of You, I am crazy in love with you, my heart desires MORE and MORE of you, to see you more clearly, to know you more, to see the beauty of You, You alone. That is my desire. I don't know either why I have this insatiable desire, I don't know- maybe you gave it to me. Sometimes I wonder- why me? Why didn't you give that crazy desire to someone else? Is it the mixture of my desire and the desire you have given me? There is no clear formula. Sometimes I wonder why people have resulted to making you a commodity.
You have become a genie in a bottle, a mere commodity, a temporary relief for those in their dry deserts, longing for enough, just enough to satiate their eternal thirst....but not more than that- because then, they would have to sacrifice their comforts for the discomforts of the cross. Maybe I'm just a prophet, an apostle given this word- but we have too much relied on our crutches of comfort, even in our Christian world- our bubble, how we desire comfort over Jesus. How we have made Jesus into someone to make our ministry smooth and successful. How we have made Jesus someone to make US look good in ministry. How we desire more of us, more than Jesus Himself. I too attest of that, many pride, many sins, many temptations I have given into. But beyond myself, I feel compelled to share this- this thing that we have stumbled into, have clearly given into, this lie of Satan. Yes, Satan. I can't be nice anymore, with my words- it is too dangerous. Out of love, I have to speak truth, even if I make people uncomfortable, the love of Christ has broken into these lies covered by mere religiosity. Our love for money, comfort, status, these are things I struggle with myself, yet sometimes I look at my stuff, I just want to burn it all, just as it will come to pass in the future.
Then I look at the suffering of the world. I look at the starving children, I look at the women sold into prostitution, I look at my friends longing for a better life (always complaining, always discontent, yet ignorant of what they truly desire- which is love of Christ), I look at Christians that struggle with their faith because of STUFF in their life (whether it be personal issues or circumstances), I look at the immense and deep suffering all over the world- I can't help but look beyond my Christian bubble. I can't help but look beyond my own career, my own world, my own church, my own life. I can't help but weep for the lost souls, I can't help but want to jump on the plane and deliver captives, feed the hungry, heal the sick and broken- hearted, I can't help but right now, as I type this, be moved to tears, my heart convulsively beating and head a spinning. Is not why the church exist for the mission of Christ? God could have ascended us all to heaven when Jesus ascended. But His last words were "all authority in heaven and on earth has given to me. Therefore go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, and teaching them to obey everything I have commanded you. And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age" matt 28:18-20.
Yet looking at a previous verse, right before - the disciples had "went to Galilee, to the mountain where Jesus had told them to go.
When they saw him, they worshiped him; but some doubted". Look, I haven't been to seminary or am a pastor or nothing of that sort. BUT i feel just as i read this, looking at it as it is- maybe for lots of us, we outwardly worship him, but in our hearts we still haven't gotten past the doubting. We still haven't fully accepted His love in our heart, we haven't come to terms with His full and complete grace for us. We haven't fully realized He is in front of us, THERE, fully existing, moving, HERE (ALIVE, freaken alive and risen-Read the text...He has just risen and the disciples were trying to find Him..even though they saw him and worshiped him, yet some still doubted). And BECAUSE of that, the whole GREAT COMMISSION has become irrelevant....maybe for you!
maybe that's something someone needs to read. I don't know. Maybe that's why God woke me up at 3 in the morning, I don't know. Look it's not something I already realized either, but Gods been guiding me through this whole entry...so take it that the Holy Spirit was leading me to write this. And maybe..just maybe someone out there had been doubting where the heck God is- and maybe God gave me this whole thought of "where are you?".
SO if it is so- thank the Lord. otherwise. man I am going back to sleep.
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