Anyway.

thats not really what ima write about.

but was just thinking about gosh. missions and moving.

will i REALLY be ready to like JUMP into 1-2 years of moving overseas right after June 2010? And what about the one way ticket I already have to Germany? I haven't been seeking and researching too much, not at all, actually about where God would have me? And can all this work out? Because from talking to my friend, I've realized that NOTHING in our lives goes according to our plans. NOTHING. A lot has happened in the last like 3 months for me.

Yesterday I went to a wedding where one of my old friends were, we were talking about mostly gosh relationships. But as we were discussing, I said, "man im freaken scared". yah much to be scared of...many risks I guess. And the fact that I dont know where I'll be...ever.

I dont know if I can really leave ALL That I've EVER known, friends, family, home, church, school, work...to move into the unknown. Plus with this new "attachment" (gosh the way i call people sometimes), it's hard to imagine what the hell is gonna happen. It's those moments where I've arrived at that post- grads always become depressed in...those "what to do next" stages.

So I'm living life to the fullest now, I am, I was singing and thinking, and this thing dawned on me- I'm ALWAYS doubtful of the good things in life because I have this feeling that they are gonna leave no matter what. I almost don't believe that God is on my good side. IT's like im just WAITING for Him to disappoint me.

It's like I just know there's no such things as happy endings...

Is that a flawed thinking? I don't know, but I sure don't live in fairy tale lands. I'm scared of becoming comfortable with what I already have and am experiencing. It's those moments where I get really comfortable that I hit restlessness. Then that's when I start FREAKING out because I..
am getting bored.or just think - "theres gotta be more to life" according to that one song on the radio.

and then this "holy discontent" I ALWAYS have = my passions to go out there and share good news. Even as i was talking to miles, i realized that he is the exact kinda personality i want to reach in the future. The folks that CANT STAND ROUTINE, can't stand conformity, sit down and stand up kind of churches, likes real relationships and friendships, and has a REAL faith that is working and struggling at all times.

So it's like- im working that out too. I feel the same too- my heart is with my small group, my "house church". But I know God wants me still there...but when will I really just branch out and start house churches, just BUILD community, instead of the structured traditional "church". How can I simply merge all of WHAT I BELIEVE INTO one lifestyle. Because honestly I feel that my relationships with friends are more "church" than sunday church. And if I dont believe or agree with the style of church, then why am I still there? In addition, the people I want to reach would not AT ALL feel comfortable or themselves AT MY BUILDING church.

SO it's like how does this all work? Do you hear me out sisters and bros??

How can I be one person?? I'm trying so HARD to figure that out. I don't want to say to my friends at work- I lead worship, I want to just chill with them. I don't want a label or a status at church, I want to be one person wherever I go, that they see I am one normal human being with human issues and problems, and that all I have is God.

So would that mean leaving my church? OR not going to my church...?

I KNOW that we are supposed to be in community with other christians..and also diversity of beliefs and traditions. but what if the people im trying to reach feels UNCOMFORTABLE going where im going, and i too? what if my hearts' passion is to bring people to Christ and to disciple them, growing the seeds in their hearts, in a way that is genuine, tried, and true. That all their concerns, they can speak up and be heard. That nothing is taboo, nothing is unsaid, no concerns too "controversial". What if we want to talk about God at a teahouse? About life while hiking? What if we want to worship God at a fashion show?

I dunno. What if we just want to enjoy music at a concert? Is that not another way to encounter God? Through nature, through music, through art, through dancing, through poetry, words, lyrics...

Not just straight up sitting there and listening to a sermon?

hello. anyone that agrees with me- holla at me. I need some wisdom, advice, where and how can God be leading me? There's a passion in me for REAL church, to build up real disciples, rooted in good soil- not in fed soil, but in chewed up knowledge that is really digested and converted into good heart soil.

Anyone with me? Anyone with the house church deal? Anyone with REAL life, Real Faith, Real God?

I dunno..I'm a little tired of church chairs. I'm a little tired of sitting in a building. I'm a little tired of routine. I'm a little tired of same music. I'm a little tired of sameness.

I dunno anymore. I'm at lost. I think God is showing me and redirecting me somewhere and something else.

I dont know what it is...but pray for strength, wisdom, and patience.

Alright- after talking to Annie Wong, I have come to realize that I must put this on my blog so that I can look back and laugh. (and then again, look at HOW Much more mature I am now? Wow excuse my pride, God please don't punish me)

NOTE: only ya'll know my xanga blog, so I'm not expecting any stranger or un- invited familiar face to read this:

First off- I went to a concert with a high school friend, upon applauding and standing up to look yonder at the amazing pianist, he leaned over and said to me, "I need to get this off my chest, I've had a crush on you for about a year". When I told my guy friend, he goes "wow, that took him a while, one year?" for which I responded in my head, "for crying out loud, that's why I hate asian passive males" (note: please don't be offended if you are asian male, because you are meant for someone else).

But then again, my coworker goes, "well, he knew you didn't like him, and look even if he told you, he knew you would reject him, SO WHATS THE POINT OF TELLING YOU?" Makes perfect sense I guess. But if I was him, I would just express my feelings, then if rejected, get over it and move on right? I guess not everyone works like that.

Look this is how I responded: I pat his back and said "thanks for letting me know". From there on, we did not revisit the topic hence. (wow, I'm like writing literature for crying out loud). Especially since he later asked, "what will you do after graduation?" and I replied "well, let's see where God leads me?" Comforting? No. Soothing? No. A brick of ice? Yes.

If I was a guy, it would be difficult game to like me. It would be like liking flubber, because flubber keeps changing. They want to predict my next move, but they can't. I guess that takes controlling males out of the picture too.

So then that leads me to this: I either got to wait or they got to wait for me as I go off to follow God wherever, or they follow me, or they follow God who has us follow Him together, but then that would mean getting married or having a commitment, for which I am uncertain of right now in my life. It is quite sad I would say for whoever likes me.

Lately, or right now I would say, there are 4 non- christian guys interested in me. Yes, 4. One which persistently contacts me out of my inconvenience, for which I repeatedly ignore or reply once in a while. In all this, I am praying for them but also learning how to see them as Jesus would, devoid of the Love that can truly fulfill their hearts. Instead of making fun of them (something I wouldve done when I was very immature), I am learning to respect them as humans with human dignity (just as I am learning in writing my human trafficking essay). If we can't respect people just because they like you and you don't, what kind of Christian are you right?

So, as I patiently wait, I am
1. Learning to treat them as Jesus would
2. Learning to point them to Jesus
3. Always finding Jesus my first and only love
4. Seeing that even these guys are hand picked to have a crush on me so I can point them to Jesus
5. The single game is too interesting and despite the frustrations, dating is quite fun (helloooo- Lang Lang's CONCERT??? Hiking? Free FOOD? Fun! ...okay just being honest)

um okay. So that's that. :) hope you learned and enjoyed reading about my crazy crazy crazy life.